written fr0m thE hEart~~

2004-09-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

FUCK THIS BLOG......
FUCK MY TAGBOARD....
AND FUCK ALL TIS NAMELESS, UNKNOWN PIECE OF SHITHOLES WHO WONT FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE.......

for the last time..... get tis into ur stinkin thick brain of urs... oh ya i forgot.... tt is if u hav any in the first place! i dun give a motherfuckin damn wat the hell i did n i sure dun fuckin wanna noe who u r cos u're jus wasting my bloody time saying all these vulgarities rite here in my BLOG. if u tink i'm a bitchy fuckin "know-it-all" and an attention grabbing mofo, fine wit me!!!!!!! u tink i give a care??? who r u to tell me all things??? if u know sooooooooo much abt me but yet hate me, den y the fuck must u come barging into my life jus to waste ur time cos u bloody hell noe tt it's fuckin unwanted! if ur intention is to psycho everyone else to listen to ur fucking trap babbling shit abt me n making them hate me as well.... den u noe wat? u're jus wasting ur fucking time! cos MY FRENZ very well noe who am i n im not even the slightest bit afraid to admit tt i DO HAV FRENZ.......! sorry to disappoint ur lame-ass non-existent life!

if U'RE the one who doesnt hav any frenz..... y dun u jus say so? instead of telling me tt im pathetic loser, tell me to fuck my nostrils n saying tt everyone hates me bocs of my mouth, wouldnt it be better to ask ME for my help in trying to find u some frenz? im sure even the cockroaches or the rats will do rite?? since u say tt u hate me cos of my mouth n all, it beats the purpose of me preventing myself from saying all these vulgarities to u now rite? oh jus in case u dunno, MY FRENZ noe i cant control my use of vulgarities once i start...u dun hav to start jumping in joy knowing tt im blowing my top off n tt ppl will really start to hate me....

seriously wat's with the nose thingy?? jus seriously..... y does it bother u so much? u tink tt's where my weakness lie?? is tt it? u tot wrong bitch... my weakness only lies in ppl like u.... ppl who doesnt appreciate others for who they r, ppl who dunno how to reflect their true self b4 dissing others.... think abt it... are u leading a sad,miserable life? n so u wan me to feel the same too? i've used the nice patient way to let u reveal urself..... but yet tis is wat i get?! amazing..... ive tolerated enuf shit for the past few days n im not gonna tolerate it anymore.... whoever hates me hates me...... it IS beyond my control..... i no longer wan to waste my breathe in tis... it's too time consuming n chilidish..... ive said wat i wanted to say..... if u hate me more after reading tis..... good.... feel my pain bitch.... jus feel it...

rmmbr tis..... U HAV NO RIGHT OR CONTROL OVER MY LIFE..... do me a favour n go get some help if u keep forgetting tis.... or if it's any easier, go back to slums of the earth where u came from n try to make urself feel better by fucking ur own holes... whichever u prefer.... n oh ya.... dun ever rise up again cos i will not make u forget these words..... u can run...... run far far away from here... but bear in mind, if u do come back here again.... i dun fear u at all.... not even the slightest bit.... u've stated ur hatred towards me n i accept it..... so now u must accept mine... if u dun den u're NOT WORTHY OF ANYTHING.......

2004-09-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

im blooody helll shocked abt wat is written in my tagboard.... wow, jus wow.... someone hates me..... tt's gd to noe aint it?? i didnt expect ppl to like me n now i noe of one who hates me...... thanks for acknowleging tt u hate me "riana clone"....

but u noe smth? (in a very calm tone) i dun even fucking noe u..... so how the hell do i noe tt u hate me so much? who noes we might jus be talking but yet i dunno it's u.... so pls hav the fucking guts to tell me who u r ok? is ur intention to make me suffer so much tt u wan me dead? or do u jus wan me to continue to suffer? im sure u'd like tt wont u? well... actually, i wont let ur words bring me down... though i can admit tis one thing.... n im not even ashamed of it.... u made my tears flow like noone's business..... like what the fuck did i ever do to u? if u hate me, y bother coming to my blog n reading abt my life, which u urself claim tt i dun hav one?! n wat's all tis shit abt me n my nose?? i bloody noe it's not my best feature n all n so wat?? SO FUCKING WAT? me pathetic? is it any of ur problem, bitch? wat the fuck is wrong with u? trying to bring me down? do u tink tt evryone likes u too? u tink u dun hav flaws? be in my shoes n tell how u'd feel if ppl say they hate u! in case u dun oredy noe.... i do hav a life.... and im gonna spend it nt having ppl like u ard me.... so jus shut ur trap n stop askin me to get a life...... are u god to ask me to do so? pls la.....

seriously i duno y i bother to acknowledge ppl like u, bitch. using my name some more. hav u no shame?? do u wan me to remind u tt maybe u're the one who has no life n tt's y u're putting ur fuckin ugly butt-face in mine? u dun bloody noe wat im goin thru, so dun fuckin say things tt will jus make u feel better. me act like a big sister?? to whom? n for bloody hell for wat?? do i stick my head up so high like i noe evrything? if i noe everything i wouldnt even ask these dumbass qns! i seriously dunno wat u're saying! i admit i hav flaws but can u?? ask urself la! fuck! im human too but maybe im not like u. u tink i dun hv feelings is it? fuckin reflect urself in the mirror la. seriously. my heart aches reading wat u have to say. fine la hate me. c if i give a shit. n to others who hates me as much as i do, go ahead! I DUN CARE.

u hav so much hatred for me n i really wonder who the hell u are. not like im gonna be bothered to find out n all. but seriously, u jus love to c me cry like a pathetic loser tt u claim myself to be is it? or r U the pathetic loser who jus earns a living by dissing others?? uve nvr existed b4 so y now? did i really do smth to hurt anyone else's feelings in sch? den did tat person ever considered mine? like i said im jus human. somtimes some things were jus said or not meant to be said. dun tell me u've nvr hurt someone? u jus wont noe am i rite? cos it's jus a subconsious thing. so plz think. plz. i've been hurt sooooooo many times tt u cant imagine wat ur words r doin to me now. trust me u dun. so if i ever hurt u den say it infront of my face la. instead u jus had to tag my blog. like wtf? come on, whoever u r. the promos r coming. at least wait till it's over n den u can jus come up to me n slap me or smth. but noe tis, watever i did to u, im not sorry. im sick of saying sorry to ppl like u. im sick of feeling sorry for myself all the time n be bothered by ppl like u. i dun care if tis hurts u cos i've suffered enough crap n shitloads of probs. jus do me a favour n dun bother me now. u can call me watever u wan n make me cry buckets. i dun care anymore. im jus too tired. watever bitch.watever.

sometimes humans jus hav to be selfish. if u cant or dun wish to understnd me or whatnot, den dun. it'll do both of us gd ya.

2004-09-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

why me?? can some1 jus tell me wat i ever did to deserve luck full of shit?? pardon the "vulgar" but seriously when will all these tears jus dry up n be replaced by smiles on my face?

i noe evryone has probs.... n i on the other hand, is always filled wit guy probs... jus look at my freakin tagboard... some1 whom i tot was a fren, some1 i trust had to diss me rite in my own blog.... wth? ive oredy hav enuf of probs on my hand n now tis? compared to the probs my other close frenz hav, ppl might tink mine is jus nothing.... but to me it is smth... cos im jus so sick of crying over guys who doesnt deserve the care n concern i shower upon them....

jus when i tot tat the chapter of me n my PRINCE are over.... another bad "relatnshp" i hav is jus bringin back all those bitter sweet memories... the way i loved him, the way i often miss him, the way i longed for the day to be in his arms...... gosh, somebody jus shoot me...!! i jus hav to stop being too nice to ppl! mayb i'm jus too open n frank.... i guess hav to realize the limits of being open n frank... ya i tink i do... argh... wtf riana!

the only person whom i will continue to love will always be PRINCE... though not in personal way like really love LOVE... but in a more...errmm.... i dunno how to describe it..... he might be a jerk or watsoever.... but imagine 5 mths of waitng all comes to an end...... a chapter might be closed but mentally, it remains open to any possibilities....

i am stupid to tink tat i might simply fall in love again wit some1 after closing the chapter abt PRINCE.... i really am... i shldnt hav tot so... seriously... im only hurting myself again... i am starting to like some1 but will he return it? am i expecting him to? y wld i? i'm a nobody.... maybe to him but not to one other person....

==> i am stupid not to return back the love, care n concern of someone whom i realize to hav really loved me for me.... who has ALWAYS been there for me but remains to be only a true fren to me.... he, who has seen my joys n sadness... who is often the first person to cheer me up no matter wat... who has nvr tot i was wrong, eventhough he knows tat i am..... he, who has nvr fail to keep me smiling n supports me in wat i do.... he, whose love i didnt n jus cant bring myself to return it n has often "suffered" more hurt tat i cld hav ever imagined.... to him, I AM TRULY SORRY.....

there's also another man in my life tat i truly love n miss so much... my beloved bro, who's now serving NS.... man, i really miss him.... we've recently "connected" as siblings b4 he went for NS n im glad he didnt c me cry the day he enlisted... i feared not having him ard when i needed him... i still do... he's a great bro.... *stops to ans the phone*
haha.... my bro jus called n now i hav tears welling up again....!!! sighz... i do love him.... :)

all these tots n qns r really staring to break me apart again.... but i cant allow it. not now not ever.... i NEED, i WILL pass my promos.... yes i will.... riana, pls stop having doubts abt urself.... please..... please..... i tink i nd to hav a gd cry rite abt now....

2004-09-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

less than 25 days till my promos..... and im sooo stressed abt the amt of shit ive got to cover tat i'm almost losing myself.... argh!!! i feel like quitting!!! serious lor..... i where got joke abt tis kinda things..... sheessh!!! but knowing me........... quit ah? yar rite!!

how i wish i can bring myself to deleting my previous entry.... cos u all dunno how WRONG i am..... to be in LOVE wit my PRINCE????? he doesnt exist...... there! i said it..... it was all a joke played on me by some heartless ppl i guess...... i dun wan to tink abt him anymore..... im writing tis wit tears rolling down my cheeks.... jus realized how cruel the world is..... and how can they put up wit such heartless ppl? making me believe all those words..... frankly im saying all tis w/o no proper evidence........ BUT there's jus some things tat ive come across tat makes me realize the bitter truth tat my PRINCE is not who i tink he really was...... it's jus getting more n more complicating.... i dunno if i shld continue to write abt tis in my blog..... one time, i love him..... n the next time i hate him....... wtf???!!!!!!! argh.... difficult to make others undrstnd la......

i got to noe tis bitter truth from my PRINCE'S cousin...... tink i'll jus stop there la..... no use continuing..... making things worse..... i gotta tell myself not to tink abt tis n concentrate more on sch..... bad day in sch man....... mind was wandering some place far far far away.... glad i hav other frenz ard me who's willing to listen....... in case u're all tink im feeling miserable..... well yeah i am... i am moving on..... not to worry, i havent lost my charm yet.... hahaha, kidding... duh!!! at least im not heartless... i know where to draw the line...... i give my all when i love..... im jus sad my PRINCE didnt know tat...... :'(

too sad to blog ah....... wth..... ciaoz pplz..... be happy but not be like me........ :)

2004-09-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

let's jus forget abt my last entry ya... for today, i wanna make it real short and sweet.... but knowing me... i doubt it'll be short... hehe....

anyway.. i tot i was goin to die of boredom today! woke up at 1230 in the afternn... yea i noe.. im a lazy bum! haha.... watched tv, tv and more tv... eventually went to eve's wkplc to chill wit some frenz... saw "james" and talked a bit.... hehe... real cute! :P

den while i was jus minding my own biz.... someone made my day.... PRINCE's fren, whom i got to noe 1st b4 my PRINCE.... said tat my beloved is really head over heels abt me..... awww....!! :D hehe... den my PRINCE came on the line n sang to me a really sweet sweet oh so sweet, sweeter than honey plus sugar, song abt the 2 of us..... aaaawwwwwwww....!!! he's been talking abt me a lot said the fren... hehe.... den soon after, my PRINCE's cousin called me... he apparently stole my number frm my PRINCE's hp... which he claimed he didnt but instead said tat he "took it frm his hp w/o prior notice"... haha! he's a cool guy, his cousin... got along REALLY well tho' it was our 1st phone call..... cracks me up tat dude.... :) told me d same thing tat the fren said too.... he's dying to meet me.... the fren even said tat he once thought of quitting his job jus to spend more time wit me.... my silly silly PRINCE!

back to d main pt...... oh how great it feels like to be in love again!!!!!!!! weeee~~~~ hehe... sighz.... i dun wan to tink abt how long it'll last or watsoever negativities abt tis "rltnshp".... im happy the way it is rite now.... i can sense his sincerity now... BUT again, no high hopes jus yet... im jus soooooooo glad tat i was patient n still am... waiting for his return when he went away n all.... n now he's back..... back where he has always been.. in my life n in my heart...... :D

2004-09-03T01:55:00.000-07:00

ESP TO SOME1HUCARES...............

plz do not waste ur time and energy in my blog if u dun even hav the guts to tell me who u are... i dun care if u're a guy or gerl.... or whtr or not u're my fren...... i seriously dun.....
i noe not everyone likes me or loves me for who i am... i am aware of tat..... so tis applies to u.... if u hate me or hav any dislike for me.... let me ask u these qns : y r u writing all tat things in my tagboard? wat is ur motive or purpose?

it's enuf to noe u're oredy disappointed in me bcos of my behaviour....... I NOE TAT OREDY.... and i've thanked u.... wat more do u want from me? wat do u wan me to do to let me noe who u r??? y must u involve some of my frenz name? WHY??? plz dun piss me off in my own blog...... u dun wan to c me blow my top off..... trust me.... i've said it time and again.... tis blog is MY freedom to write wat i want, wat i feel.... it's MY space.....

u noe it's ironic wat u type as ur nick in my tagboard...... u CARE for me? i dun tink u do..... think abt it.... think abt wat u're doin..... jus think for a moment ok.... favour ah.... plz.....
i assure u once i noe who u r... i will personally go up to u and apolgise if i'm wrong in saying all tis or if u tink im being rude to u........ trust me i will...... but plz dun make me beg like tis in MY OWN BLOG......

i'm swallowing my pride here rite now and putting a tight cork over my head to prevent it from blowing up...... u wld hate me, or more if u hate me now, once u c me erupt..... i dun wan to stop blogging bcos of u..... cos rite now to me u're jus a non-existing being who's jus wasting his/her time being in my blog and passing remarks w/o thinking....... again i repeat.... i WILL apologise if i find tat i'm wrong in saying tis.....

if u really treat me as a fren, be one n stop tagging but instead msg me personally..... email, sms, call...... watsoever...... think abt it....

2004-09-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

been a while since i blogged.... nothing interesting tis wk.... kinda boring wk.... jus been trying to make the best out of it b4 the sept hols..... tat's all.... studying here n there...... wah stress like crazy.... so many things to cover..... and as of tis date... 37 more days to go.... haiz!!

something interesting did happen abt a wk ago..... my PRINCE called me back.... oh gosh how i miss him soooo much.... i had been thinking abt him the whole wk.... n den he finally called..... the feeling was indescribable.... n tat moment i totally forgot abt all the other guys tat has been in contact wit me or been getting to noe me..... apparently he had given my number to his fren ard the same time he told me he will be away for 3 months.....

his voice jus makes me melt... told me he was away in thailand n tat explains his absence in my life.... there's jus a minor glitch..... one time he calls me, n the next moment he'll disappear again..... gosh how much i hate tis..... believe it or not i still hav feelings for him..... n frankly tis is the only space i hav to describe it.... i dun talk abt it to my frenz anymore cos i jus noe wat they'll say..... or wont say.... cos most tink tat im stupid to fall for my PRINCE.... so ya... tat's how much im suffering.... only i noe the feeling n only i noe the truth in it.... i jus wanna make tis happen btwn me n my PRINCE my own way.... watever happens, let me be the only one who manage the risks n consequences...... even if it means getting hurt or crying alone in the dark.... i've oredy experienced it b4... let me experience it again n noe the meaning of falling in love again....

recently, i do hav guys getting to noe me... n it sux not being able to express myself out or be myself cos i feel like im in self-denial.... as in shld i or shldn't i allow them to get to noe me better? i noe their intentions is jus to be frenz but there are some who really wana get to noe as in depth.... n there's oredy one who expressed his love for me... unfortunately i cant accept it cos i noe it wont be true.... wat i really hate the most abt it is tat i dun wan tis guys to tink tat im fooling ard wit their sincerity..... it sux... but i hav no ill intentions at all....

there are also a number who asks whtr im attached or not.... n i jus hate to ans tis qn.... i noe im not but it's so like "rubbing it in my face" kinda thing..... how wld u feel if ppl keep askin u over n over? i dare say it's rather stressing! MOST if not ALL of my gfs are attached.... n do u noe how hard it is to go out wit them cos they're attached..... i almost had 2 misunderstandings wit my gfs tdy in sch cos of tis "bf issue".... it sux tat they cant do tis n tat cos of their bf.... i did admit tat i was wrong to be self-opinionated cos maybe wat they say is true.... i've not been in a rltnshp for a very long time... n u noe wat? it hurts so bad deep within me to admit n accept tat bitter truth.... yes it's true i'm not in their position... but do they noe wat it feels like to be in mine?

every1 wants to love n be loved..... and im no different.... mayb it's jus me... im too choosy? im not fit to be in love in the 1st place? who has tis ans? me of cos........ but it jus hurts... i can cry night after night.... but wat gd will it do....? i do love my PRINCE a whole lot... but i've yet to noe abt his real feelings towards me... i even started to wear my own ring on my 4th finger to remind myself abt him in my life.... stupid? i dun care.... i've waited a long time for him..... but i jus dun undrstnd y he keeps saying the words i longed to hear but dun fulfil it...... it hurts pretty bad..... bcos of him, i've put other guys on hold.... and it's not smth very enjoyable.... let me be hurt by someone i love but god pls dun let them be hurt by tis foolish girl.....

if possible i soooooo dun wanna talk abt tis but i cant help it.... let it be known here rather than be kept inside... eating me alive..... i dun care wat other ppl wanna tink seriously.... n frankly, if there were to be any more nameless ppl in my tagboard, i might jus consider to close my blog or move..... i dunno..... if u hav the cheek to noe my personal life, "claim" to care or is my fren..... plz.... make urself known to me... noone can change who i am except for myself.... my blog is the freedom tat i hav to express watever i like..... no self-pity needed....

2004-08-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

i recently came across this phrase or watever u may want to call it... :
~ No matter wat is said abt u, it doesnt really matter... cos wat matters the most is wat u think of urself n who u really are~
i dun exactly noe the degree of truth in tis phrase..... but it sorta makes sense to me.....

watever is written by "some1hucares" is smth tat i didnt really expect to be seen on my tagboard... wat iwrite in my blog is my space, my life, my own willingness to let evryone who blog hops n chance upon my blog to read.... whtr or not it's my frenz or jus ppl who wants to read it... tat is wat my blogger is for..... it's a so-called an online diary minus all the tiny tiny details i guess..... but to let some1 jus pass a remark on the tagboard to tell others how disappointing he/she is in me, is by no means smth tat im proud of

yes, wat i did to my parents.... lying, clubbing, stayin out is not smth tat im proud of.... but does any1 noe tat ??? does tis person noe tat im not doin it jus cos i turned 18?? tat's jus bullshit... hell, i sacrificed a lot to earn my parents trust in my whole 18 yrs of life.... yes i admit i do misuse it.... but tat doesnt mean tat i dun realise the risks, the consequences of it all... i do tink of watever decisions tat i make.... i misuse the trust is not equal to not having my own set of principles n not having my own limits..... i do hav..... i noe i hav..... lying is not smth out of the ordinary.... everyone does it n tat's a known fact.... it's jus a matter of to wat extent n wat the lie is based on....

i dun wanna act as though i know everything.... but how wld u feel if some1 jus made a remark abt u w/o even tellin who he/she is....?? he/she may be disappointed in me but does he/she realize tat i hav feelings too? i dun hate ppl but i dislike ppl who judge me based on wat they read in my blog esp if he/she does not noe who i really am n the type of person tat i am.... it happened to me once n i dun wan it to happen to me the 2nd time... as most of my real frenz noe, im a very frank person n watever i do, even if it was mistakes n my own wrongdoings, i wont deny any of it.... cos i noe i brought it all upon myself.... i oredy talked to some of my frenz abt tis issue jus so tat i can noe wat they tink of me.... i can accept watever their opinions are cos they do really know me.... tho' im different in my own ways, they noe im not one who'd be uncontrollable of herself....

i know tat trust is smth tat cant be earned or respected anymore once it's gone.... but i dun expect to lose the trust tat my parents hav in me jus cos of tis... i believe tat my parents are the type who knows wat teenagers like me go thru n frankly, it's no surprise if they noe wat ive been up to all tis while.... i jus hav tis weird feeling in me tat they do.... n i guess tat they're jus keeping mum abt it cos they can c tat i havent really gotten myself into real trouble.... i obviously respect them a lot n i accept watever advice they've given me all tis while whenever im goin out or stayin out.... they give me subtle hints abt the kind of trouble i can get myself into if i mix wit the wrong type of ppl n all.... these are not smth which goes in my left ear n goes out my right ear..... i keep all these in mind.... believe it or not, i do.....

so to "some1hucares" i thank u for saying all those things to me but plz dun tink tat im not living in reality... im aware of the ppl who care abt me n i guess u're jus one of 'em.... i noe it's for my own best tat u say all tat ,(plus the fact now tat my frens all noe too!) n tat it's better to let me noe all tis b4 real trouble really comes ard.... i thank u from the bottom of my heart... no matter who u r.... trust me, i am living in a world full of temptations n great influences but im not one who would give in n conform wholeheartedly n simply forget my roots n lose hold of everything tat are dear to me.... i wont stick my head sooooooo high up in the sky n lose sight of the ground....

i learned by myself n from my elders how to earn the trust of my beloved parents.... i felt it was my responsibility to do so.... being the youngest child is not all tat easy peachy to me... tho' i was given the freedom that i need since young, it was not smth tat i wholly took advantege of n did things the way i wan it... i was constantly being compared to my older siblings on how lucky i am not to be confined to smth tat my parents wan me to be... but rather i was given the freedom to choose my own path of life w/o even askin for it.... i am where i am rite now bcos of them.... no matter all my sins, my dream to make them proud of tis spoilt, pampered lil girly girl of theirs is still the ultimate goal in my life.... n no matter how long it'll take, i noe tat my parents noe tat im not TRYING my best, i am DOING my best.....

2004-08-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

phew.... wat a day it has been.... it's only 830pm n im oredy feeling soooo sleepy... damn, not yet iron my uniform for tmr....

oh well, didnt update ytd nite... tat's cos i got home at 10am tdy.... n tat's explains y im sooo sleepy rite now.... yup... i had a bday blast ytd.... finally 18 n one of the greatest time of my life ytd.... i received 100 bucks from dad n 50 bucks from mum.... i deposited 50 n decided tat i cld spend 100 ytd.... well i didnt finish it all!! not exactly a big spender.... i jus bought for myself white jap-like shoes.... i dunno how to describe it la but i find it really cute.... haha.... it went well wit my clothings anw..... bought 'em at heeren....

b4 i met juliet at town to jus walk ard n buy those shoes, i went over jen's place to receive a card from her... glad she's on her summer hols from HK n is in spore to celebrate my bday wit me... tho it only lasted for a while over at her place.... we took some pics 2geder which im like soooo dying to get from her via email hopefully!!!!!

juliet n her bf, ibrahim picked me up in ibrahim's car at admiralty n we headed to town.... we walked from far east to heeren n back to far east... after buying those shoes, we went to yati's wkplace where juliet had her nails done... i didnt wan any cos hey... told ya im not a big spender... haha.... then the 4 of us went over to starbucks @ liat... our usual hangout...... me n yati were eating BK n juliet n her bf had jus gotten drinks, when M, one of the waiters at starbucks.... came out with a small cake n a candle on top of it!!! i was soooo surprised!! it was very overwhelming as my frenz sang a bday song.... :D

den the time came for me to "lie" to my dad tat im not coming home.... yea yea it's wrong but i jus felt i wanted to party tat nite on my freakin 18th bday..... i noe it's jus a number to evry1 else but hey..... im a wild child bebeh! hahaha!!! psychoed yati, her bf,khirin n nad to go clubbing wit me, juliet n ibrahim..... after a few setbacks due to certain reasons, we all finally went to paradigm.... reached at abt 12am exactly cos juliet had to sneak out of her hse... haha!! at paradigm the dj suddenly announced a a bday girl's name, ZURA... n my frenz were all like pointing at me n all n i jus kept wondering y.... haha.... we jus contined dancing n dancing till abt 3am cos ibrahimn had to work at 8am n he had to send all of us home..... poor him but he's a nice n sincere guy.... there were like sooo many ppl there.... i didnt get into any trouble of cos or danced wit anybody else there except for my frenz la... bigger then hard rock n hendrix which ive been b4.... well anw... it wasnt until we were back in the car tat evry1 was like sorta cursing the dj for saying the wrong bday girl's name.... i was jus like, "hey, maybe there is another bday girl.... tdy is not my bday only wat....!" den tat was when i found out tat khirin had actually told the dj tat it was MY bday....!! i was like ................. hahahaha!!! damn! things my frenz do for me.... imagine my name compared to ZURA..... how far is the difference u tell me??

it didnt bother me much cos all tat matters is tat i had a wonderful time!! slept over nad's place n reached home at 10am... woke up again at 1230pm when some relatives from my mum's n dad's side came to celebrate my eldest bro, nephew, sis n my bday.... plus my elder bro oso goin to NS soon in sept... so got doa selamat ah... had lots of tasty food n a delicious cake from sweet secrets.... my neat room looked like a playpen cos i had sooo many young cousins n babies ard..... haha.... n i was like the childcare taker.... carrying each of 'em to their respective mums whenever they cried.... haha....!

n tat's all there is to it for tis wkend..... a great bday spent with great ppl..... n having money in my new white n black roxy wallet plus some in my bank acct.... feels soooo gd.... hehehe.....!!! next stop.... more shopping!! hahaha.... cheers to tat!!

2004-08-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah!! u ppl wanna noe wat day it is tdy??!!! tat's rite..... IT'S MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

when i woke up tdy, there were like a dozen msgs sent by my lovely frenz..... but too bad none of my family members wished me la.... except for my eldest bro n my dad early tis morn at 12am.... hehe.... but nvm..... gonna have a family gathering tmr.... cant wait... hehe....

im feeling extremely happy tdy.... hehe.... but.... guess wat? i'm broke!! zero dollars at the moment.... how to go out??! damn.... definitely goin out wit juliet later.... gonna hav fun.... n it's time for me to psycho my dad to gimme cash..... heh heh heh....

oh ya i received my "first" present ytd.... an awesome roxy wallet n oh-so-sweet pink wristbands from iqbal... nothing purple.... tho' i am so sure he tried hard to find one from roxy... hehe...!!! thx iqbal!! :) i oredy gotten gallaz flip flops from my bro, rudy, 2 weeks b4 my bday..... i jus love my bro... n im gonna miss him when he goes for ns.... BUT tat's another story to be told in the later days.......

i jus cant wait to hav fun later... might be meeting some other frenz along the way tdy.... hehe... feel so famous liddat...... haha... NOT!! haha! ok ok i tink im goin crazy... update again later 2nite.... tat is if i come home tonite.... understand understood la uh.... toodles!!

~HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TO ME~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (",)

2004-08-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

2 more days till my bday!!! hehe.... hope i can party away.... yar rite! fat hope... damn! spoil my plans.... juliet asked me to go clubbing actually... initially it was a movie marathon den she suggested clubbing.... i dun mind anything as long i get to celebrate it wit MY FRENZ... watever is fine.... asked my dad whtr i can stay out.... n he kept on askin me y shld i?? furthermore he'll be on night shift tis sat n so my mum will be alone.... but i'll ask again on sat when im oredy out.... hah hah hah... devillish me!!

anyway, sch was fine tdy.. jus very sleepy cos i slept at 330am to finish my written report.... n to my horror wat i saved early tis mornin in a diskette couldnt appear when i went to check it in the library.... n so there i was typing it out all over again.... was pissed but then i remembered the promise i made to myself.... hehe....

reached sch at 745am, got booked.... haha.... stupid written report la.... couldnt save it early tis morning.... i was v panicky actually.... left home at 635am.... late sia.... ran for the bus, slightly sprained my ankle.... damn! but luckily not too bad.... while calling zabz on the fone to tell him i was late, who was to call me.........??? DANO.... yup, my ex bf who lives on the 8th floor of my blk..... we ended up takin the same train cos he was in the bus tat i missed n apparently he saw me in the panic state.... haha! we jus talked n talked... him wit his sweet words n all..... caressed my cheek when i salam him gdbye.... he's in NS cd.... the irony.... he hates mats.... haha! watever.... b4 he left he suggested tat we both take the same bus together everyday starting from tmr..... hmmm..... anything la ah... he's still wit tat rina wat..... we're jus frenz..... (am i sure?) :)

after sch, i went straight to causeway pt to meet up wit mama n daddy.... ate at pizza hut..... yummy!!!!!! hehe.... tat was where daddy had doubts abt letting me stay out on my bday... watever it is, i jus told him tat i AM n i WILL go out..... yes! oh ya... i got my haircut tdy.... hehe.... treated myself to my own advanced bday present.... different hairstyle.... a bit like jap... or is it?? haha... dunno la.... but i kinda like it.... gives me a new look..... whtr gd or bad i dunno..... hair will grow back so nothin to worry.... but... knowing me... i look gd no matter wat.... *ahem ahem* lol!! it jus feels so nice to feel my head "lighter".... cos my hair is very very thick... every1 says so..... so now tat i got it cut.... i cant stop playin wit it.... hehe.... :p my natural curls makes it obvoius for the layering to be seen.... ok ok i'l stop! haha...

main topic of tdy.... hmm... i jus wld like to share wit u tis forwarded email i received tdy.... it's so meaningful.... try to enjoy it as much as i did... :)

esp. to my frenz n my PRINCE:
~Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
~Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
~ Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
~What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who
made you cry?
~If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
~The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

~Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff. Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
~A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.
~Some people make the world special by just being in it.
~Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.
~Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.

If u love something...let it go. If it comes back to you its yours.... If it doesn't then it never was.
^A kiss is just a kiss until u find the one you love.
A hug is just a hug until its from the one ur thinking of.
A dream is just a dream until u make it come true.
LOVE is just a word until its proven 2 u. ^

i almost cried when i read all these tho' these are smth tat ive heard more than once b4. but it does help tat there are constantly forwarded emails like tis to make us tink back on the past memories. be it joy or sadness.... u hafta admit it does makes us tink abt it n not jus immediately say tat it's bullshit..... these to me, are facts of life.... :)

i tink i'll stop being so psychological n astrological cos i tink i'll jus end up being crappy.... maybe it's the age la uh.... wakaka!!! toodles!

2004-08-18T02:00:00.000-07:00

wow... it's past 1am n i still havent type out my part of the written report... oh well, im oredy so used to dark eye rings n puffy eyes.... dang! tmr's goonna be kinda long day..... :s

anw... went to bt candu tdy for learning journey... didnt realize tat tis was my first one for tis yr.... haha... guess i was too lost or oblivious.... it was kinda cool knowing more abt the war n the war heroes... their experiences n feelings..... kinda touched a bit.... went wit the tarian girls... not bad la... we tried to make it more enjoyable.... haha.... den back at sch, waited for sofia den we both went to meet up wit wan, her bf.... for early dinner.... at bugis... yummy! hot n spicy!!
aliff didnt join us... oh aliff is the guy i got to noe n whom i cancelled the date wit... ho hum... wat to say oso i dunno... he's nice when he wants to be but he'll jus buat bodoh when he feels like it..... now tat's a topic i can tok abt tdy.... hehe....

GUYS ----> so unpredictable n full of sweet nothings!! not all guys are like tat i know but most of them tat i encounter are n it really sucks.... it kinda brings me down.... as in im not worthy to get to noe one single guy n finally truely fall in love.... it sucks to be lonely u noe ppl??! it's jus empty.... im definitely not desperate cos i noe for sure im better off being single.... but knowing me, who often dates ard... get to noe one guy after another.... makes me feel so cheap.... frankly, yes ive done things unimaginable wit some..... [but NOT sex... trust me....!] n dun get me wrong cos i do feel guilty abt it... seriously.... ive nvr admitted tis to noone but since tis is my blog, i'd rather express it here....

all tis while, lust overwhelms me.... it totally doesnt feel right..... im not saying i cant control myself..... if i cant, i wont be a virgin now wld i? but tat put aside........ how do u tink i feel when i make out wit ppl whom i dun even love? deep in me, im in pain.... n yes tat is one of the many reasons y i am down at times ppl..... it hurts me alot knowing tat im being such a whore n a bitch... someone once told me tat i tend to jus lead these guys on....... n tat really makes me wonder whtr it's the truth.... im jus being me... is tat a crime? tell me... plz.... jus tell me.... im not gonna boast or be proud of how i carry or portray myself in front of others.... but seriously, do guys really treat someone like me as a sex object...? someone whom they can smother kisses to n whisper sweet words tat means NOTHING?! i am stupid no matter wat frenz say..... really i am... i'm a vulnerable little girl who jus follows orders..... im not the type to jus follow my emotions... i do tink abt my actions u noe n tat explains y im expressing tis now....

at times, self-confessing does help in a way... i'll be lying if i say tat im not ashamed of it.... but tis is MY way of letting ppl noe the real me.... i wanna stop all tis nonsense... i wanna be single n carefree.... not single n bitchy!! some say wat i do is harmless cos the guys themselves noe tat feelings are not involved...... yes it is true.... but it really makes me feel like a cheap whore... i allow them to call me dear, darling n what-not..... imagine how i feel when i get different msgs from different guys calling me tat? i feel like a female gigolo!!! f***!!! maybe im exaggerating.. i dunno..........

pardon the vulgarity... it really irks me.... it's hard not to fall for all the wrong guys.... cos frankly, i am in it for the harmless fun.... i let them noe tat i dun hav those love feelings for them.... which surprisingly are accepted by these guys... they're jus sweet la actually, most of them.... they jus enjoy flirting wit me..... n tat's y some girls calls me bitchy..... but hey dun u ever wonder if it's the guys who makes the move on me? im not saying im at all attractive or what-not... but do u expect me to jus brush them off when they harmessly flirt wit me?? [i stress a lot on the word "harmlessly" for the fact tat it is.....] if i do, the more i feel like wat i had wit them was a "one night stand"...... argh!! so frustrating the way im tryin to explain all tis.....!!!!

example: my PRINCE....
getting to noe him was a pleasure... all the late night talks simply keeps me awake all night... we shared our life experiences n i loved the way his stories pulls me closer to him.... though we didnt meet, wat i had wit him is indescribable.... definitely my first real life fairytale..... n so u can imagine the pain tat i felt when he jus went off wit the wind n didnt bother to look back.... all the promises he made throughout the 4 months we got to know each other, vanished within 4 secs the moment we had our last call.... n now it's been exactly one month since the last time i heard him say tat he misses me n cant wait to meet me.... c wat guys can do to girls?? yes i admit im being too self-opinionated.... but i jus hate seeing myself in tis state.... i wasted all my sleepless nights cryin over him.... a liar n a heartbreaker..... some guy who tore my fairytale dream to shards of glass..... like wat i wrote b4, i will definitely not forget him though... i might say things abt him now.... but whtr u believe it or not, i still am holding on to the last piece of hope of his return n his sincerity..... the day when i finally get to noe the truth.... im the type of girl who'd rather noe the bitter truth, whtr or not all tis is a joke, than to suffer no knowing..... it's gd to know in order to learn from mistakes....

i became wat i am now bcos of him.... my PRINCE.... tat is a fact not known b4..... i vowed not to get to noe other guys when i was in contact wit him.... i treated him like my bf.... it's stupid but ONLY I noe wat it felt like..... i appreciate all my frenz advices, my cousins n even my own brother.... but i cant deny wat i felt for him.... he filled the emptiness tat was within me..... n now tat he has dumped my heart into the open sea, i felt empty again... n tat is where the other guys comes in.... each trying hard to swim in the open sea to find my heart again.... mayb im a bit too astrological but seriously, being a leo girl, i AM a hard girl to impress....... :p the last guy who impressed me wit his charms n all was my PRINCE..... but too bad all those was jus a hoax.... or so i assume....

time is 2am... better get started wit my written report..... if u tink tat tis is a part of me tat u do not noe.... now u noe.... comments anyone??

2004-08-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

didnt hav time to update ytd..... too beat i tink.... hmmm..... wat did i do ytd?? apart from pe n all.... i was glad tat i didnt experience any monday blues like i usually do... yay for me..... looks like i'm keeping to my end of the bargain.... hehe... eh wat bargain?? i jus promised myself tat i'll be happy n cheery tis wk... let's jus hope tat i'll keep it up ya... hehe.... well ytd was a gd start.... n im glad.... :D

stayed for night study ytd.... wit sofia.... it was ok ah... we studied our own stuff n sofia got all scared when the lights kept goin off evry few mins... haha.... almost every1 heard her "whines"..... kinda hilarious but i jus kept on telling her tat it always happens..... den i decided to meet up wit adi.... we met at jurong east mrt after i ended night study..... missed him actually... the only ex bf tat i truly loved n still do but we're gd frenz now..... hehe... cant wait for him to get his driver's license.... i wont tok much abt him la cos me n him goes all the way back to our pri sch times..... yup.... tat was then n now is now... all grown up..... anw, we walked all the way from wdlds mrt to my hse at marsiling.... kinda far but it was our way of spending time together.... we're a weird couple.... was n still am.... haha....

today was not a bad day too..... jus had geog extra lesson after sch den went to study wit sofia.... tat was all... nothing else.... i cant seem to be toking abt anything else other than wat has happened on the day itself.... like a bit boring huh.... but wat the hell.... it's MY blog.... n it's MY world.... MY space.... n im sure my darling DIDI will agree to tat... rite dearest babe...?? hehe....

there's one thing tat's on my mind... ive not been toking to someone much lately n i cant help but to feel so guilty.... cos i notice tat tis someone has been feeling rather down n depressed n moody n all.... jus like how i used to be all the time.... plus tis someone is the person who has always been there to show concern n care whenever im down....... so it doesnt help tat i aint doin anything abt it now tat HE'S down.... sigh..... i do hav my reasons actually.... but i dun wanna say it out.... i dunno y la.... i feel the guilty conscience in me but i jus cant express it.... cos if i do, it'll be harsh.... i'll only be contradicting myself..... we hav always been frenz n tat's exactly how i wan it to stay.... nothing more nothing less.... tat's all there is to it.....

frennships are made out of sincerity, loyalty, is always full of its ups n downs, laughters, sadness...... lying, backstabbing, contained dislikeness are some of the factors found in frenships tat are unavoidable.... to me, tat's a fact... only then will we know the power of trust, the real meaning of it.... of which tat i dare mention i myself hav not got to know.... these are MY confessions.... so, does anybody still think im a hypocrite?? ;p i dunno y im saying tis but i jus had to..... to remind myself of the different types of frenships tat ive forged wit the ppl ard me..... i appreciate each n everyone of them.... for not judging me based on wat they see but instead based on wat they noe of me... for accepting my flaws n correcting me whenever im wrong..... *pause* n suddenly i hav tis urge to start writing a tribute to my dearest DIDI.... haha.... i jus realized ive started on the intro to it.... cool!! hehe.... unfortunately, time's not on my side (is there such a phrase? :p) darn.......

4 more days to go............. lalalalalala............

2004-08-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

talk abt goin on a date ytd ah..... hmmm....... i cancelled it.... shld i tok abt it? i dunno... im not bummed out abt it at all.... cos I was d one who cancelled.... i jus tot tat d guy had no sense of priority n need..... he didnt confirm wit me the time or place or anything of tat sort on friday nite.... so i tot tat maybe he will the next morning..... BUT he didnt.. he kept beating ard the bush n im like wth??! excuse me.... im a wanted woman by all okay!! haha... yar rite!!

while waiting for his msg my fren juliet asked me out... n i became so indecisive... who doesnt noe tat i am rite?? hehe.... anw.... so in the end I had to ask him whtr he wanted to go out wit me or not..... it felt sooooooo wrong i tell u..... gosh... den again he said he cld only confirm wit me by 2pm cos he was at BBDC.... did he tell me tat he was goin to be there b4hand?? nooooo....... haiz.... so i jus made the decision to go out wit my gf to town instead... i felt bad abt cancelling but.... nvm..... hopefully there's other chances... tho' there's no single msg coming from him tdy... wonder y..... merajuk kot?? i aint expecting anything from him but hey..... i dun wanna make a bad impression on him....

after town i went to sleep over at kakak's hse.... like wat i often do almost every wkend.... love to spend time wit my two nieces.... hehe.... cant wait to have my own..... haha! woah tat's too far-fetched huh.... :p woke up at 11am tdy n den went home at abt 5pm.... reach home den went out again wit my bro to causeway pt to watch hip hop fest... kinda cool ah...... den after the fest ended..... ermmm.... dum dee dum dee dum... lalalala........ hahaha!!

nowadays my parents are always asking me where im at, wat im doin when im out n im like wat's up wit tat?? they've nvr done tat b4 so y now? n so i talked to my mum n it turns out they're actually worried i wont be able to be promoted to next yr... they can c how im so involved wit sch stuff n they noe how i cant take pressure n stuff like tat... sigh... parents.... i cant say anything... hey i am trying n i noe my own limitations n abilities.... which student n parent is not worried abt sch stuff??? heck.... wat abt life?! spore is a fast-paced country... if u wanna survive in life, it's like u practically hav to hav everything to become something..... it sucks but reality hav to sink in nonetheless.....

crap i hate it when i talk tis way... haha.... forgive me if it doesnt make sense.... riana, u silly girl!! :p hmm... promised myself tat i'll try to be happy n cheery tis coming week.. y?? cos it's my bday tis sat!!! yay! HAHAHA!! getting all excited but jus found out tat we're gonna celebrate it on sunday.... buat kenduri je.... none of my frenz are allowed to come... so bummed!!!!! hello!! i'll be freakin 18! last yr everyone sorta forgot cos it was my nephew's 1st bday n tis yr...... oso like the same.... [oh to ppl who dunno... i share my bday wit my eldest bro, his son n my sis is one day b4 us.. :) ] wonder if i can go out wit my frenz to celebrate on sat itself......... dunno la.... sighz..... so ppl... im up for grabs..... wakakaka!!

talking abt my bday.... (some1 make me stop!) i wonder if a certain someone wld call me back again.... yup my PRINCE.... i'll be doubly sad.... no extremely, tremendously sad if he didnt... tho' i dun tink i'll show it...... cos apparently his best fren, whom i noe as well, share the same bday wit me as well... there's actually a story behind tis.... but i dun wanna relive it.... heart pain.... hah hah hah....... we shall c when the day comes...... i sooooooo doubt tat he will......

oh well.... getting sleepy.... sch tmr..... hmmm..... to my happiness tis week!! cheers!!! :)

2004-08-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

it's way past my bedtime rite now but im trying to get the hang of updating my blog everyday... hehe... like real! haha.... no la... didi oredy made it for me so nicely... wasted if i dun use it... hehe.... oh ya! my tribute to didi!! dang! sorie for the long delay gerl... i will ya....

anw... i've been keeping myself busy telling almost everyone i see n meet whenever n wherever abt my upcoming bday next week.... hah hah hah hah!!! so the thick-skinned!! for fun, joy, n laughter la... for me but apparently not for them! :p well anyhoo.... today was the closing of bulan bahasa at bartley campus.... one word: LAST MINUTE..... COCK-UP....... hmmm... tat's two words.... ya u heard it rite.... it pains me to talk abt it.... but seriously... i felt the disappointment ah.... how to progress forward like tis?? emotions were shown everywhere... anger plus "fake" laughters n smiles.... the prize presentation n performances were fine.... but the pre-requisite preparations were not made properly n almost everything was almost handled lightly... wth??

i will definitely not name names.... but i dun care if these bunch of disappointments will hate me or not.... but hey come on... do me a huge favour n dun show ur f***ed up face at me during almost every single meeting.... n i wont show u any f***ing attitude to u.... jus one thing... PLZ for heaven's sake... reflect ur own attitude first thank u very much.... i've tolerated enuf i dare say.... dun make me spit on u girl.... u shld be ashamed at urself for not having the passion to do things out of the sincerity of ur heart..... tat jus show how puny and cold ur heart is aint it? u n ur partner(s) can live in ur own boring little world n not pretend in front of me anymore.... i've oredy forgotten wat happened btwn us in the past n i shld expect tat u hav too.... im assuming tat u hav not cos u act as if everything me n the others do r wrong.... whtr or not my assumptions are right or wrong.... bottom line is u make me sick..... u''re not worthy of my sight n im glad we're not frenz.... i can carry on holding a grudge against u but i wont.... wanna noe y? cos i aint nothing like u.... u, who continue to endlessly influence ur own self and others into thinking tat the world bows at ur feet, who thinks tat showing dislike n disagreement towards a bunch of ppl like me n me frenz who jus wanna make things work smoothly, will make us respect u more..... wake up sweetheart.... it might work in ur world... but in mine... u dun even exist..... so there's noone for me to hold a grudge against now isnt it?

woah those were some harsh words bebeh!! hahaha.... phew i feel much better.... noone out there shld figure out who the hell i'm talking abt.... waste ur time only... but it's really feels gd to let it out of me... seems like im "popularly hated" by certain girls in my sch huh.... good or bad...?? hmmm... wat comes ard, goes around.... ^yAwn....~~~~~~

2004-08-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

wat to say.. wat to say.... im missing certain ppl tdy... dunno y.... still struggling wit my damned lit tutorial... dang! haha..... sch was ok tdy.... sorta.... jus very quiet.... was late tdy....
reached sch exactly at 740am.... haha.... not bad la but tiring seh walk so fast.....

reached home at abt 5pm den met eve! hehe... the jambu rock chick...her eyes so gorgeous.... so jealous!! haha.... updated each other on things.... she's my neighbour n also my ex's younger sis.... talking to her made me miss my PRINCE..... sigh.... like i kept wondering where is he...??? my bday is next week.... (*hint* :P) n i feel like as if im so gonna be empty without him... y seh?? i share my bday wit my bro, sis n nephew wat.... so y the emptiness?? sigh......

maybe i jus cant help it la.... there are other guys who like me but the thought of my PRINCE holds back my feelings to develop with other guys.... i dun wanna hurt nobody like i oredy mentioned... but oh how i miss his voice... his spiritual presence.... y cant tis game jus stop?? y do i always choose the wrong type of guys?? it's kinda frustrating but hey.... life has to move on.... tat's wat i always say..... in fact, i might be goin on a date tis sat... hehe.... wonder how it'll go.... i'll definitely update on tat.... :)

hav been having tis feeling of dread n drudgery whenever i wake up in the morning to go to sch..... im sure every1 does..... i get all the encouragement from frenz but sometimes schjus pulls me down so much tat i dun hav the energy to do anything at all.... im not geting any better.... always wit my flu n sore throat.... but i hate to be absent.... like a neverending cycle eh.... i wanna stop all this fakeness n pretentious behaviour..... always smiling n laughing when inside, im suffering! argh!! sucks huh..... but... oh well........ if tat's the way it has to be, den i might as well jus get down wit it.....

enuf chit chat.... getting late n tut halfway finished.... im outz!!

well deserved update

2004-08-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

after like dunno how long... (haha!) i've finally reboot my comp n here i am updating my blog at last.... to my frenz... esp hawa dear.... sorry for the long awaited update ya.... hehe....

where shall i start?? abt my PRINCE?? hmm.... to tell the truth, he's gone away from my life... i wont say tat ive forgotten abt him... hell no.. i'll hunt him down n demand to noe wat he makes out of me.... hah hah hah! i hav no idea where he has gone to.... but no more crying.... i jus miss him at times when i chance upon his pic which is forever in my organizer.... sigh....

at the moment.... my life has been pretty ok... not fabulous nor fantastic... almost everyone else noes how fucked up the sch is making me feel.... im always down in sch.... no mood n all but i always try to smile n laugh like the world is all ok... i hav to... doesnt every1? we r all obliged to... tat's wat i tink la.... everyone has probs n no matter the degree of the prob or whtr or not it can be handled.... life jus has to move on.... nowadays i jus put all the negativities behind n jus be who i wan to be.... feel wat i wan to feel.... i'm sick of listening to other ppl talk abt me or all tat what-not.... all those bitching.... uwanna c the truth? u all will c the truth.... u either like me or u hate me... as for me... as long as im happy.... i dun care abt other things... hehehe!!

ok ok enuf crazy talk.... im currently in contact wit quite a number of guys... which... mind u.... im not too happy abt.... cos im jus scared tat ppl will start to talk again.... do u tink i shld care abt all those? cos it's not like as if im sleeping ard wit them.... it's not my fault they wanna get to noe me.... or is it? sorry if i sound bitchy but tat's not my intention at all here.... really... sometimes i jus wonder... wat the hell do these guys c in me? im jus being me... normal me.... n some can say tat im flirtatious.... haha.... yup i can jus laugh when i hear tat.... cos i dunno... it's like in my nature.... not like as if i become a flirt in front of them...! crazy! if it's wrong den sue me.... haha....! watever to me la ah.... :p

im actually rite now stressed abt homewk.... tons of them not yet done.... came home at 3am ytd from a long lost cousin's hse... haha... dun ask... n now feeling a bit unwell.... went to esplanade to catch the fireworks but in the end couldnt c cos it was blocked by the damned oriental hotel.... damn! but oh well... it was kinda cool seeing the hundreds of ppl ard.... very the patriotic....! hehe! anw, i've oredy seen the fireworks on the eve of national day... now tat was nice! tho it was the reflection tat me, eli, faezah n hidayah saw... it was superb... we even came up wit a song abt the fireworks.... :)

there's actually something else tat i'd like to tok abt... but it's like rather personal.... n also smth tat i'd like to say to someone but i dun tink it's sorta appropriate.... y?? i dunno y.... dun wanna cause any hard feelings i guess... tho' there are others out there who oredy knows abt it.... to these ppl i thank u for listening... :) there's only one word to help me wit my life n hopefully set things straight : PRIORITISE.... everything.... jus everything....

enuf for tdy... i'll try my best to update in here as often as possible.... cheerios!

2004-07-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

got time to kill now in sch... comp at home still down... sigh... abg sahri still havent come over to look at it yet... leceh la... watever for now...

my blog finally got song!! yay! one of my fav song by the way! haha... here i might be laughing2 la... but god knows how many tears ive shed n how i really feel.... sigh... my mid yr results... the miss u nights abt my PRINCE... sounds dumb but it hurts soooo bad.... i dun feel im cut out to be in tis sch anymore... almost everyonein class is improving... but im jus so stagnant.... sucks a lot but everyone telling me not to give up... how can i? it'll jus be so wrong.... im NOT one who gives up easily BUT i do feel pressured abt my results...

abt PRINCE.... i only hope he's well n fine at philipines... no matter how many times i tell myself not to tink abt him i still do... i cant help it la.... anyone wanna arrest me for tat? by all means but my feelings for him stays... till the day he comes back n i find out the truth abt all tis.... whtr to him or to other ppl who tinks tat tis is a game or not, i am already involved in it... like wat my best fren nadhirah said to me... i hav to stay strong n be prepared for his return n accept watever comes my way... yup... tat's exactly wat i wanna do.... but for now, let me be n let me cry....

jus to keep u all updated, i went to jay's hse last sat for my project work n i took the chance to check my email at her place.... to my surprise, my PRINCE sent me his pic!!! my heart was beating so fast....n when his pic was finally revealed... i jus smiled... ive never exactly pictured how he'd look like n all cos frankly i didnt care as long as my feelings for him still exists... he has the most( i could almost feel it) softest lips ive ever seen.... he's perfect in my eyes n i jus cant comment much abt his looks.... cos hey i dun exactly go for drop dead gorgeous guys n plus, he didnt smile... haha.. my frenz say he look fierce... hey tat'a wat i get from some ppl too... haha... smth in common there.... but oh well... he's still my baby PRINCE.... im not tat great looking either so im not n shldnt be bothered by his looks.... tat's not the most impt factor anw...

let's jump to another topic shall we.... : backstabbing...
ive experienced tis time n again... n tis time it's someone ive put my trust in n someone whom ive opened up to all tis while eversince we build up a "friendship".... i wont disclose her name cos i dun exactly wanna hate her... i jus cant.... i dunno y... one thing's for sure she'd jus so pretentious and bimbotic....!! there i said it... n ppl say tat im not me when im wit her... tat's the last thing i wanna be... HER!! sometimes i jus cant take it i jus wanna burst out to her everything... i found out tat she has been talking bad abt me all tis while when im not in class... like wth?? im so sure im not the only one who has become her victims of hot gossip n rumours... to put it simply she's jus like tat character from "mean girls"!!! i cant understand y i cant bring myself to resolving it wit her word by word... but can u imagine how it feels like to be ard a hyprocrite all the time? some frenz told me it's best to jus stay cool n jus be careful of wat i say in order not to jeopardise our frenship while others can say and ask me... "wat frenship? there was never one in the first place" these r the ppl who can c wat she's doin to me n doesnt like the way she treats me.... even so... tho' i hate to admit tis...sigh... she is sometimes really nice to me... the only prob is i cant exactly differentiate whtr it's real or fake.... i know it's wrong for me to assume things n listen to wat others say... but i do realize wat she's doin to me... it hurts at times, makes me angry n all.... i jus dunno wat to do... im not one who wld jus stop talking to a person n ignore totally... let's jus hope she doesnt trigger off the very last button n make me explode.... cos when i explode... i mean EXPLODE....

hmm.... feels a bit better but.... sigh... nvm... gtg... i'll try to update as much as i can... toodles...

0ut 0f reach.... but aLways |n m|nd...

2004-07-08T01:26:00.000-07:00

now in sch actually... cos comp at home break down... damn... anyway.. hey how u all like my new blog... courtesy of my bestest fren in the wohole world.. the truest one n only NUR NADIRA ZAINAL... love u lots gerl.. hehe... i promise to write a tribute abt u once my comp ok ya... since u wrote one abt me in ur own blog....

ok back to wat i really wanna say... my feelings are so jumbled up rite now.. didnt slp ytd cos was crying the whole nite... kinda stupid la but my heart was jus in pieces... n yup it's cos of PRINCE.. he didnt contact me for 15 days... yup i counted... tat's how much i miss him... every single day,hr,min,sec... actually he did call on his bday in the early mornin cos i msged to wish him happy bday on the 28th june... so nice hearing his voice... well anw... i msg him on 5th july, jus to noe whtr he's ok... n who wld to reply other than him? his mum!!!

damn shocked! but his mum was cool n all... told me he's in philippines undergoin ICT... back in aug... cried tat nite.. as always... sigh... ytd his mum suddenly msg to ask whtr i was his gf n i couldnt ans... i asked her how i shld address her since she doesnt want me to call her auntie... haha... n den who wld call me?? my PRINCE!!! i almost shouted wit glee at the bus intrchg.... i jus "shouted" BABY!!!!! he apologised for not telling n all n i jus had to forgive him... how can i not? he den said he had to go back to the philippines tat same nite n wld call me back.. i was obviously bummed but hey wat can i do? im jus a noone... maybe... sigh... b4 he hung up he said the words i never expected him to say.. not now at least... he said he loved me.... *MELT!!*

yes yes i noe we've not met... n everyone telling me to meet him first... like duh! ppl.... u tink i dun wanna??? haha... i love tis baby of mine too... it seems unbelievable... but trust me... feelings r still feelings.... n u cant imagine how long ive felt tis way... it's not abt being desperate... it's the loneliness n emptiness i feel for so long n finally filled my PRINCE.... sigh.... i tot he wouldnt call me cos the clock showed past 10 but he did.... it was very sad... the way we said our gdbyes n parted even w/o having to meet each other... or in our case havent met but the feeling of being away form each other was jus too hard for me to take.... n it didnt help when he told me he'll be gone for 3 or 4 months...!!! i jus cried after putting down the phone wit him... he even told me to find another person but i dun tink i can... i really dun.... i took d chance to msg him one last time to tell him tat i'll await the day he comes back... no matter how long it'll take... i must hold on to tat least bit of belief tat maybe he really does love me n hopefully he keeps to his promise.... not to worry ppl... my hopes r not tat high.... i hav to be ready for anything... BUT rest assured i WILL wait.... it's not easy to forget abt some1 like my PRINCE...

other ppl who's reading tis may not noe the full story but like i said previously... i dun wanna disclose much.... im happy having him in my life n tat's enuf for me... nothing tat any one of u out there shld find out.... haha... jus noe tat i aint gonna be put down by anyone who says tat my feelings aint real... :)

gtg now... later...

lalala~~

2004-06-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

tis is only my 2nd entry after like wat? a month? hehe... sorry!! let's get on with it shall we?
it's a sunday afternn and i've been home alone since morning...!! even b4 i wake up.... which was like at 1030am... hehehe... mama went to jemputan alone... dad's at work... and rudy only came back home jus now at abt 5pm from EC... he's always not at home... sigh~~...

jus to update on u ppl... tdy is the 20th june n guez wat??? i havent completed studying!!! i only read like 2 freaking notes on geog abt a single topic... tat's all! damn! sigh~~ i dunno wat's to become of me... getting lazier by the min... cld some1 jus plz come over n knock sense in my head...?? any takers? i noe there r some ppl out there.... hehe...

i tink i noe very well y i cant make myself study... im in love~~ haha... with a person ive not seen but known for abt 3 months now... some of u may noe abt tis but for the others... find out urself la huh... hahaha!! i dun wanna make a big deal out of tis cos i jus simply wanna cherish wat i hav with tis special someone at the moment... watever happens, happens.... yup... he makes me feel loved jus the way i wan to be loved... the words tat comes out from his mouth are words which i longed to hear... his voice soooo makes my heart melt.... the way he calls me his baby, his princess... the way he makes me fall aslp with a smile on my face... the feeling is unbelievable....

i noe i noe... some of u might tink all tis is cliche' n hav heard me saying tis a bunch of times... but hey give me a break... im a teenage girl goin thru all phases of life n tat ppl, includes falling in love.... yes yes i admit tat most of my relationships were mostly on lust n all tat shit but now no more on tat... im serios tis time... i jus hope he is too... and tat im not clapping only with one hand... if u noe wat i mean... hehe... for now i'll give an update on him ya... 1st of all, let's jus call him PRINCE... hehe.. dun wanna disclose his name...

anw... ya we've been contacting each other 4 abt 3 months now... dun ask how he got my number... im jus happy he's in my life... :) he never calls me evry night due to work which i totally respect him for tat... but when he calls... sigh~~~ his voice.... oh so wonderful wonderful voice.... the way he says, "i miss u pumpkin~~".... ok ok i shall not go into details..!! haha.... but yup i admit i do anticipate his calls every day eventhough i noe it sometimes wont happen... but im ok with it... recently smth happened.... it was actually ytd.... 19 june at exactly 4.21pm.... he asked me whtr he cld take my parents out to dinner one day.... i was so taken aback cos those who know me knows tat i NEVER tok to my parents abt these realtionships thingy.... i asked him, "u sure??" n he jus said,"is it a crazy thing to do?".... n from tat moment, i guess i knew wat he meant by tat.... :)

so finally... for the first time in my life i told my mum abt it cos my mum was rite beside me in the train when he called to ask.... told my mum tat it was time for us to hav a mother to daughter talk cos im already coming to 18 n yup i tink we jus shld.... surprisingly my mum was all cool n collected abt it.... maybe cos im her youngest daughter n she knew tat she had to accept wat im goin thru... we talked abt tis wit my dad at dinner at pizza hut CP... he was so eager to meet him!! haha... i was shocked but yup im glad they're open-minded abt tis... they didnt mind at all even if my PRINCE is not the one im gonna marry cos i told them tat the 1st guy i'll bring them to meet is the last guy tat'll ever step in to my life... meaning to say.... my one n only husband.... but for now it's too early to say abt marriage, tat i know! haha.... BUT it does feel great when uve found the rite one den u'll feel as though all ur probs will go away.... how will PRINCE n me turns out? it's all up to HIM, the al-mighty ALLAH swt....

i'll end here for now... it's already 7 pm rite now n i guess im not goin to watch the theaterworks "Sandakan Threnody" which starts at 8pm.... supposed to be a class outing thingy n i already paid for the tics but oh well.... nvm... haha... kinda famished rite now.... havent eaten since 11am jus now...

~a memory worth cherishing~

2004-05-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

after only one and a half months of practice and rehearsals.... the semi-misical "Alamku...Qalbuku" is finally over... it was an experiance tat i would never forget.... as the floor/stage manager, i've discovered my new flaws and learnt a whole lot of different things on how to handle different types of situations... and i muz add tat my level of patience has certainly grew....
tis musical prodn would never hav been successful w/o the cast n crew... not forgetting my beloved director, the general himself, Mr Keater HM and my teacher, Cg Yazid, who wld be sadly leaving us to further his studies at UM... to him, best of luck n good health....
the cast and crew only comprised of yr 1 and yr 2 students from Millennia Institute from both Toh Tuck n Bartley campus together with ex-Jurong Institute students, a TPJC student, who was from the 3 months course in MI and also Izzat Md Yusoff, our special guest appearance who is not new to the drama n theatre world... to all this ppl... my heartiest and warmest gratitude goes out to all of u from the bottom of my heart...
many tears were shed during the prodn of tis musical, mostly from me, who is actually a fragile girl inside and times spent with family n frenz were mostly sacrificed and forgone jus to make tis musical a reality... not to disappointed every1 includin myself, i put up a brave front and challeged myself to all the obstacles i was facing.... the late nights i spent in sch and reachin home late to the ealy mornings i had to wake up the very next day jus to attend sch but in th eend faling aslp during lessons... i began to ignore my health and anything associated with my studies n mostly drew my focus to the musical... i had to faced consequences and i did.. i failed my common test 2 badly but even tat, i put aside... i was more concerned of being a perfectionist and professional by not letting exterior probs affect the musical... now tat the musical is over, it's abt time i hit the books n spent time with my family, esp my dad, who sadly now has difficulty walking due to a swollen foot caused by smth which im not sure of.... i blame myself for being too oblivious...
though i bought 4 tics for the sat nite show for my parents, my bro n my bf... none came... i was definitely sad but i knew there was nothing i cld to to force them to come esp wat with my dad suffering from his swollen foot.... i missed my bf a lot as i was too busy with my prodn and him, establishing his own freelance designing career with my bro but i am lucky enuf tat we both r living in the same blk.. yep u read it correctly... we both try to be understanding towards each other and although we've been together for only abt a month, my love for him is somewhat indescibable cos we share a very unique relationship, one which i simply hav difficulty in describing once again....
unfortunately, as i finally got home late ytd nite, i received a bad news from him when i met him near our blk... while sending me up to my floor, he told me some unexpected news which was like a hard slap to my face... no it's not a break up, i dun believe so but rather.... oh well, i'd rather not mention it cos i tink it's smth tat only my heart knows and smth tat only he SHLD know...
HOWEVER, on a lighter note, some of my frenz did came though at the last min... and of those who came was my very own long-lost fren, Rusydi... he came for the sunday afternn show... it was our 1st time meeting each other after like 5 yrs... unbelievable.... yes rusy, u are taller than me now... haha... to tell u the truth, Rusy was the very 1st guy i had a crush on.... tat was when i was 10 yrs old!! gotcha there.... but hey, tat was 8 yrs ago and now im glad we finally got in contact with each other again... oh ya jus fyi, myjob as the stage manager was to make sure tat all the props r ready n to take note of the sequence of the scenes, the welfare of my cast n crew... in other words, i had to be overall in-charge,under the guidance of my director and others as well...

the post-prodn debrief we had in sch was very overwhelming as again tears were shed... tis time it came from the ex-Jians who wld once again be separated from each other.... the others, including myself also cried as we relieved all d happy n crazy moments we spent with each other... it tickles my funny bone jus tinking abt the pracs we held... all those bloopers we made while rehearsing the lines.... haha!

as tis is my very 1st posting, i tink i'll end here for now... lest i'll blabber on and on and on and on and on..... my mind is rather mixed up rite now but oh well... hmm... oh ya, better try to get some homewk done.... didnt go sch tdy... rested enuf? dun tink so but sch is sch... sigh..... (: